He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
