D3 body, D1 cock
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
