I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My vagina is officially offended.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
