My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
false alarm, still single
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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