Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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