meet me or not, i'm out of control
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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