it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Less talking, more tequila
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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