how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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