she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I wish there were birth control emojis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
