people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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