I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Randomize
