I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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