How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
