Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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