He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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