The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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