my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
