She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
