I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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