So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
