True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
