i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
