Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
