I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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