What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
