I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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