My friends, they love my intelligence
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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