the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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