Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
