I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
