i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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