Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I think my fart just growled at me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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