This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
