I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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