Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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