i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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