theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
