we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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