Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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