ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
