It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
