I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
