Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
