if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
