Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
