My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
