i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
