my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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