Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
