he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
