Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
