I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so let's talk penis.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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