I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
